Nightmares on Crazy Street.

Wow!

Its been a while I haven't blogged to this site but, I have been keeping up with my writings elsewhere.  Anyway, How are you?

I am well considering that what has befallen me over the last couple of years. It has been nothing short of torture.  

By this I mean... I have been stricken with the cobra of age. I have been downgraded yet charged. My corporal stripes have been ripped off my sleeve. I have been demoted physically. A pain abatement has been forced upon me.

I know, pain is a state of mind.  But if you are not active in prosperity you have a lot of time to think.  The dailies become mundane and every day feels like a Monday after a rainy winter weekend. Drama more drama, yes I am laughing. I am not totally convinced that my bones and muscles wrestle to dominate my mind. 

Yet, a state in pain is greater than both mind and matter. Torturous!

57 is equal to a lot of years, months days, hours and minutes. I don't feel 57, whatever 57 years feel like.  I feel like spring in my mind.  Why can't science capture that essence? They should read pheromones, DNA genome or brain sparks to see what's firing so they can low and behold a miracle inhaler, like Vicks to perk all.

Maybe Vicks Inhaler is a cure-all, my parents used it.  My grandparents used.  The Latino community on the island swear by it. Did I say my Mom uses it? That WoMan is a Highlander, never been sick, never calls out from work, doesn't even take an aspirin.  There's probably cocaine in Vicks.

But I forgot there is a promise that MD promote, Oxycodone. The anesthetic for when reality bites. I hate the stuff and all its side effects. I really hate not feeling in control. The only control I voluntarily surrender to is my wakefulness at bedtime.  Even this is becoming a struggle.

A night full of pockets of sleep filled with crazy or scary characters wanting to wake me is what I have. The Nightmares! Nightmares always wanting to convince me that I possess super sensory premonition powers that come from my Nightmares revelation. NOT!

But I do have a phobia, I feel if I don't tell someone about my nightmares, I feel that they will come true. Then I will have no credit if I tell someone I dreamt of what really did happened.  Sick shit. Something always wants to control. 

But this too, shall pass or drive behind me. But I refuse to let it run me over. 

Sunday Bloody Sundays

Sunday Bloody Sundays!

I love and hate Sundays. I am a Christian parted down the middle like a 3rd grade girl hair.

Sundays should be for whatever. Yet I feel compelled to attend church because I am a Christian and it is the Sabbath Day. Yet, I don't go to church. And because I don't go to church I feel guilty about going anywhere else. So I stay home and contemplate, and that is the Sunday that I hate.

Contemplation Sunday, are boxing me in. I feel like I owe it to myself to do whatever I please, yet I don't. It is wrestle-mania for me.

I sometimes wonder what would Jesus do?

Would he hang (forgive the expression) with his posse, or would he go to a synagogue to teach?

I think he was torn (forgive the expression again). He did his best work on Sabbath days. What I mean is that he did his best most memorable miracles on Sabbath days, and that took lots of energy, which is labor. Labor is work. Work means work not rest. And aren't we not suppose to rest on the Sabbath? I am not passing judgement, I dare not throw that first stone. Its a point I am trying to make sense of. But I guess if you had the load of the world and a certain amount of time to prove love, then every minute counts! You can afford to tear whatever for the sake of love.

Which brings me back to my original state of mind. I think church days are important, because its a Christian community affair. It brings like minds together to rejoice in that. Which to me is an incredible feat in itself. When can you get people to volunteer to service regularly to practice on what someone else preaches? Its not like voting, or like being in a bowling league where you exuberate with triumph over a skill, with evidence to prove it. No, church is a place of with total reverence, one accordance, a type of domain where the attendees focus on where they feel spirituality lives. You can't find that watching feel good ministries on TV. Church is "live" not previously recorded.

So why don't I regularly go to church is beyond me. Why am I so torn and contemplate? I don't know! I think that I need to do what Jesus did, prove love beyond a show of a doubt and make every minute count. So forgive me Lord if I don't attend church. I think I like Jesus style of living, outside the confines of a man driven place that can be to contemplative and confusing. I think I will choose love and life and Jesus cause. It makes better sense.

Lena:) +

Blogging

Okay who says blogging is easy? Its not like posting a comment on Facebook. Thats a flash in comparison. I have to fish inside my mind and decide what I want to to capture, compile and then post it and hope that it makes sense to me. One thing is to think it and another is to verbalize it. Especially for me, since I am constantly reinventing myself on a daily bases. So here goes.

Every morning I wake up at the end of a dream or a nightmare. Some people say they don't remember their dreams and some go on to debate that you are less smarter because you dream in black and white, not in color. Who really gives a crap? Dreams are nightmares and nightmares are dreams driven to the dark-side of your mind. Why I say dreams are nightmares and nightmares are dreams? Listen to my theory...

I find if you keep a nightmare to your self and don't tell anyone about it, some how or another day, it becomes true. Then I feel sort of strange about it. Cuz, when you tell someone that you dreamt of that particular occurrence that equalled your dream they look at you in disbelief.

Now on the other hand, if you tell your children what you dreamt about - its more likely they would believe what you are saying is true and react like... You have some weird powers and then they refuse to hear about any dreams/nightmares hence forward because it may turn real. And that is something they can't ever admit to or deal with.

My son tells me that subconsciously I drive that dream/nightmare to reality and that I have Lenoo (short for Lena & voodoo) powers. I rebuke that, in the name of Jesus. He continues to say that the power of thought is one that cannot be measured in real time, since real time cannot be measured. Too quantum for me to make sense of what he's trying to make sense of. But I listen to the babble and tell him that maybe I was somehow leapt back in time purposely as a revelation that became a dream to make someone aware of a future happening so that person that is listening to me can take it as a fore warning. "To be fore warned is to be fore armed. Thats how you win wars" I tell him. He now calls me the Dream Whisperer.

Sick boy. Funny Boy. I don't know, I dreamt I won the Lotto and that hasn't happened. So maybe subconsciously my mind is selective with what it wants me to be a cantor about.

Really...

I think I sleep too much. Sleep is overrated and so are dreams/nightmares. I once had a dream when I was of kindergarden age that Bubbles where swallowing each other and it kept getting bigger and bigger! I was terrified. I had that same dream for years, haven't had it in a while. What do you think that dream meant? If there is another dream whisperer out there that can tell me what thats all about- uh wait... You Know what? - I just figured it out- Yay! I hate balloons thats the relationship to that dream. Wow Blogging does have a purpose! Who needs therapy? lol.

But if there are people who think like me or share my sentiment- let me know. Thanx

GBY

Lena;)

Thank You My Friends- My Family

This morning I woke up and I found a breath of fresh air that made me feel so alive. I asked myself what can I do differently today that can show how much I appreciate life? And my I answer is, I will show appreciation to my friends and family.

So below is a list, find your name and read one of many reasons why appreciate you.

Mom: Lucy Collazo- I learned from you that nothing in life is easy, and that what one says has little or no value. Value comes when you value yourself and do not talk of things to come. Just know that when it arrives it's all because of hard work by you or others. So always appreciate labor. Mom, I appreciate your labor. Another thing I learned from you was that by being mean and cold one can really cause the recipient of this action to want to be warm and kind. Thanks Mom you made me a better person, I love you for that.
P.S. Whenever I eat a Bialy- it always reminds me of the time when we were together and you told me "What so special about a Bialy- it taste like a MiDonal hamburger bun with onions" lol.

Dad: Carlos Collazo -Even though you are not here in body, I know that you are here in spirit. What I learned from you was if you seek, you will find. To keep the things you do find only if it edifies and causes growth. You taught me to seek God and you will find treasures that will not perish. I love you Dad.
P.S. Every time I see the ocean it always reminds me of the time we went to L.I. Beach and you saw a school of fish from afar. We were he-ho-ing a raft over our heads and you yelled out "The fish, the fish they are getting away" and we went running down the sand dunes like maniacs. Half way down the hill we fell and the raft went flying in the wind like a kite and you started to laugh hysterically and so did I- you looked at me and said it's ok, they were flying fish- they flew away, Good times.

Brother #1: Melvin - Wow! what I learned from you was that even if you are blessed with an enormous amount of Knowledge, it doesn't necessarily indicate that you are wise. You are the smartest person I know naturally. In you, I learn that quitting is an option, that though you choose to quick the things that diminish, that doesn't mean you are quitter.  You have made me stronger and wiser in so many ways. I will always love you with a passion. P.S. Every time I old bottle caps it reminds me of the scully game you use to play, I can still see you playing in the middle of 194th street in my mind.

Brother #2: Alex - What I learned from you was that silence is golden. You were so quiet in all our family storms. In your stillness I saw peace and reason. God is with you, I saw it then and I feel it now still and it brings me comfort.
P.S. I never forget playing chopper with you- Thanks for sleeping with me and making me feel safe at night bubba. Good times!

My Son #1: Nathaniel - I am still learning how to be a better mother/grandmother. Because of you I have learned that life can be a web, perfectly tangled, silky, luring and at the same time it can be a trap. Not that you have trapped me, but that you are a beautiful silky web that can catch so many opportunities but yet manage to let them slip way from your grasp. I am the spider building another web for you. I am learning each and everyday to build a better web where I can catch better opportunities to teach you a better way on how to grasp the good things in life. That's all I can do my son whom I love with all the forces of my heart. Thanks for teaching me how to be a wiser mother.
P.S.- I never forget the day you let me blow-out your hair- you looked liked a big black lollipop! Good times!

My Son #2: Jared - What learned from you is how to receive love. I feel your love. It heals me at times and it brings me joy. I have learned what need is. You need and I need. We feel a need to want each other, and that is a great feeling! Thank you Jared for loving unconditionally. I will love you Jared always. Never stop playing that horn!
P.S. I will never forget the time I started cutting your hair and it ended up being a buzz cut and you were so mad that you didn't feel happy until you shaved your dads head. lol

My Husband: Armando: I definitely have learned sooooo much about myself by getting to know you. I have learned endurance, patience and that life can be a lesson when your partner lets you figure things out. I have a long to way to go with you still, but I am grateful that I can share with you. I love you because its my choice. Thats why I think that it will work. Everything else will come by cause and effect. Thank you my love.
P.S. Never forget the day that we went to Carnegie Hall and I asked you "Como esta mi pelo?" and you started singing "Me gusta el Peloton" and we broke out into a hysterical laughter and we had to leave the show cause we couldn't stop laughing. Good times.

My BFF: Awilda B.- Of all the people in my life I want you to know that I truly love you. With my family love comes through the blood, with my husband- love came by God. But with you- love came by spirit., you are my spiritual sister. I learned from you, generosity, patience, unselfishness and laughter. You have always been there for me. You have shown me qualities of a true humanitarian. You never judged me, we never fought, we have always been united in spirit. You have always given me a lesson in God, and for this and everything I thank you! I pray that God will always restore, expand and rebless you always. I love you Awilda always!

My BFF: Ivette T.- Each- Man o man what can I not say about you? I have definitely learned so much with you. You are my first best friend. With you I traveled, I have fought, wrestled, smoked, boozed, skate, danced, cried, and most definitely laughed. I learned what it was to be Cuban and how to decipher the Spanish language at Evelyn wood speed, lol. I learned about photography, computers and about so many types of "ology" with you. Still to this day I keep learning from you. You hold a special place in my heart. I become a kid over and over again when I am with you. When you are not around- what am I talking about- you are somehow always around, lol. Thats why I can't stop lovin you- cause you are always around. Thanks for that and remember no one can break up the BBC!
P.S. When ever I remember "Hey- Hey is for horses" it always reminds me why I fell for you.

My BFF: Damaris O.- What have I learned from you? I have learned that listening is the key to understanding. When we talk you are always available to listen. You never take sides. You always let me settle and rise and thats a key thing in a friendship. Thats golden. We are the golden girls, lol- I know- not that old yet! But what I mean by this is that we are polished and not tarnished with the crazy events in our lives. We are blessed and not a mess. We will perceiver in life because our friendship was designed by God. It's so nice having you as a friend. God bless you always- Ariana too!
PS. I will never forget the psycho blind date I set you with Panama Jacko. Promise never to do that again. P.S.S. also the time when we were kids and the motorboat recording- lol!